Good communication underpins happy and healthy family relationships, but communication is a two-way street, and many parents feel they’re on a one-way route when their child won’t open up.
It’s a problem that can get worse as kids get older, leaving parents in the dark about how their child is feeling, and how they’re coping with the unprecedented stresses and strains of modern life.
But for Children’s Mental Health Week (February 3-9) there’s no better time to ask why many children won’t talk to their parents, and what can mums and dads do about it?
“It’s becoming increasingly common to hear parents saying their children are speaking less to them,” says Cecilia Corbetta, head of parenting at the children’s mental health charity
, which organises Children’s Mental Health Week. “There are a variety of reasons for this.”
Corbetta says as children grow up they develop a sense of privacy and want to keep things to themselves, plus they have a growing sense of independence, which means they want to make their own decisions about what they share with their parents.
She adds: “There may also be a fear of judgement and not wanting to be criticised for what they share, and fear of being a burden, and not wanting to worry their parents.
“And then there’s their personality – some children are quieter and feel less able to share their feelings.”
Child and adolescent psychotherapist Jane Elfer, a member of the Association of Child Psychotherapists, stresses that parents wanting their child to talk to them is a really good start.
“Your child will have a sense that you’re interested,” she explains. “It is of course, as you may recall yourself, tough to talk to a parent about feelings or perhaps some of the things going on in your life, especially as a teenager. But talking to children should start from the moment they’re born.”
Here are the experts’ tips on how to get kids talking.
Babies
It may sound strange, but the communication journey starts when a child is a baby, Elfer insists. “Of course a baby can’t understand what you’re saying at first, but they’ll know when you’re upset, anxious or angry as well as happy and enthusiastic.
“It might feel strange to chat to a tiny baby, but it can help us to see the baby as someone who has feelings, awareness and a developing mind.”
Toddlers
Although parents wouldn’t expect to have a deep and meaningful conversation with a toddler, Elfer explains that this is an age to build trust with your child, and set the foundations for chats when they’re older.
“Building on the work you’ve put in with your baby will help in these sometimes turbulent years when your little one is trying to understand the world,” she says, explaining that when young children are filled with rage and upset it’s hard to get through to them, and sometimes a soothing word will help it pass.
“Essentially, it’s sticking to what you know is good for your child, trying to help them understand restrictions in the best, most truthful way you can. It must be truthful as this, however hard, will build trust.”
School-aged children
Elfer suggests parents should try to approach what children say about school life with curiosity, listening if they feel aggrieved, and being sympathetic.
“Your loving hug, and understanding without judgement or taking sides, will enable your child to begin the task of living in society,” she says.
Corbetta suggests ‘side-by-side conversations’ may help, explaining: “If your child struggles to open up, it might be helpful to set up situations where there’s no pressure to talk – sitting side-by-side in the car, or going for a walk, for instance.”
In addition, she says it’s a good idea to spend time connecting in ways that your kids enjoy, explaining: “During times connecting with your child doing something fun, you may find your child will begin to communicate more about things they haven’t been able to share with you.”
Adolescents
Parents should try to recall their own potentially turbulent teenage years and understand that the huge physical and emotional developments can lead to less communication.
Elfer says: “There’s a huge instinctual need to pull away from family and form tighter bonds with friends – this is ordinary.
“It’ll be very hard for some children to talk and they’ll get cross if you even try to embark on a conversation. Sometimes all you can do is provide the food and warmth they require.”
She says parents should be available to hear their adolescent’s struggles and gently suggest what might help, without passing judgement, but stresses: “If your child just can’t put their feelings into words, you can’t make them talk of course.”
She says if they shut themselves away, keep an eye on them and perhaps say something sympathetic. But if you’re really concerned about them or you see physical evidence of their distress, seek help, possibly through school counsellors or your GP.
“Establishing a way of talking in the family about upsets, disagreements or rows really helps – your child will become more able to articulate their feelings. You can also describe your own feelings, even to your young child,” she says.
“Help them see that we all have thoughts and feelings that at times can be challenging or difficult to understand.”
Corbetta explains that it’s important to listen and understand, letting your child express themselves without giving them your opinions or asking lots of questions.
“The more they feel they can share freely, the more they’ll want to talk about what they’re thinking and feeling.”
